theresaurus

April 30, 2014

These pretzels are making me thirsty

Filed under: Uncategorized — theresaurus @ 7:01 am

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I bought these Pretz pretty much only for the lively colorful packages, although every now and again I do enjoy a crunchy salt-lick treat. I prefer these thin sticks over the traditional pretzel shape so difficult to eat without leaving tell-tale crumbs in the vicinity.

It was National Pretzel Day a few days ago. The expression of marriage as “tying the knot” apparently comes from pretzels being the symbol for marriage in the 17th century or something and the hard pretzel was an American invention, discovered when a baker in Pennsylvania left a batch of regular pretzels in the oven too long. So they say.

Sam says that all the time and now I do it too. I’ll ask him to read the ingredients on a product to make sure it doesn’t contain something I don’t like and he’ll say No, it doesn’t, so they say. I see something on TV Sam would like and tell him it’s on a nine o’clock, so they say.

Seinfeld quotes are something both of us do too much. Sam sees the Pretz: “These pretzels are making me thirsty.” He calls to tell me he’ll be late and asks me what I’m doing and I say: “You don’t wanna know.” I bring home a bag of avocados and find that two of them are undersized and going bad, but don’t get upset: “Fruit’s a gamble, I know that going in.” There’s a pigeon walking around in the parking lot: “We have a deal with the pigeons.” Somebody in our apartment building has a new baby and yesterday Sam heard it crying: “Jerry, you’ve gotta see the baby.” One of us starts nagging or complaining and the other one shouts “SERENITY NOW!” We shopped at Uniqlo last weekend and Sam bought some T-shirts that he discovered were too small so he went back to return them and this quote sprang to mind instantly: “You can’t return an item based purely on spite.” When I want to make Sam mad I say to him when he gets home: “Hi honey! How was your day? Did you have a good day or a bad day?”

I’m glad we don’t have children to embarrass by being this uncool and having the same conversations and repeating the same old jokes over and over. Here are others:

Look away, I’m hideous.
The ocean called, it’s running out of shrimp.
He/She is a sidler; is stickin’ it to me; is a high/low talker; has man hands
I always wanted to be a banker.
I don’t “get” art.
It’s not a lie if you believe it.
Santa’s a commie.
You named names.
Worlds are colliding.
That was a so-so sorry.
It’s “go” time.
You think you’re better than me?
She’s not a “me,” I’m a “me.”
I’m going out on a high note.
Big head.
A muffin can be very filling.
It was on a doily.
It’s not you, it’s me.
They called me a Mary.
How do you guys walk around with those things?
It’s a write-off. Just write it off.
I hate people who had ponies as children.
I hate men but I’m not a lesbian.
I’ve never been happy. College was fun.
Details, I need details.
Witness!
(Song): Get well, get well soon, we hope you will get well.
It moved.
Did your mother lay your panties out on the bed?
We have a society here, there are rules.

Gertrude Stein’s birthday today, so they say. From Everybody’s Autobiography:

“My eyes always have told me me more than my ears. Anything you hear gets to be a noise, but a thing you see, well of course it has some sound but not the sound of a noise. A hoot owl is about the best sound. … But speaking voices always go at a different tempo than when you listen to them and that bothers me … but then you do not have to look at them, but things said have to be heard, and they always go at the wrong tempo. I suppose really that is the trouble with politics and school teaching, everybody hears too much with their ears and it never makes anything come together, something is always ahead of another or behind … . It is best not to talk about hearing anything. Sound can be a worry to any one particularly when it is the sound of the human voice.

“If you write about proletarians it sounds as if they were very bitter, if you write about yourself or anybody it sounds as if you were very unhappy and very bitter but generally speaking everybody living has a fairly cheerful time in living, if not why not, but naturally they do. [I’ve never been happy. College was fun]

“A great many French people like rain best, why not you can go out better in rain than in snow, in rain than in sun.

“And fathers come up and fathers go down. This is natural enough when nobody has had fathers they begin to long for them and then when everybody has had fathers they begin to long to do without them. Sometimes barons and dukes are fathers and then kings come to be fathers and churchmen come to be fathers and then comes a period like the eighteenth century a nice period when everybody has had enough of anybody being a father to them and then gradually capitalists and trade unionists become fathers and which goes on to communists and dictators, just now everybody has a father … .

“The country where we live in the summer is a French country where Brillat-Savarin was born and it is a country where they talk about eating. … They eat and they talk about eating while they eat and while they are talking about eating they eat.

“Ah, he said that is interesting. I liked the food over there but I know why Frenchmen do not like it. The food is moist. … The oysters are moist well of course tomato juice and all that is but even American bread certainly hot breads are more moist than French bread. … I then began to eat honeydew melon, most of the time I was in America I ate honeydew melon [Fruit’s a gamble, I know that going in] every morning and every evening and I ate oysters and I ate hot bread that is corn muffins [A muffin can be very filling], they were moist and I ate green apple pie and butterscotch pie, pumpkin pie not so good but twice superlative lemon pies … .

“In France you drive fifty-five or sixty miles an hour all the time, I am a very cautious driver from the standpoint of my French friends but I often do and why not, not very often does anybody get killed and in America everybody obeying the law and everybody driving slowly a great many get killed it was a puzzle to me.

“I always explained everything in America by this thing, the lack of passion that they call repression and gangsters, and savagery, and everybody being nice, and everybody not thinking because they had to drink and keep moving, in Europe when they drink they sit still but not in America not in America and that is because there is no sky, there is no lid on top of them and so they move around or stand still and do not say anything. That makes that American language that says everything in two words and mostly in words of one syllable two words of one syllable and that makes all the conversation. That is the reason they like long books novels and things of a thousand pages it is to calm themselves from the need of two words and those words of one syllable that say everything.  [SERENITY NOW!]

“The business of understanding is awfully worrying to any American. Other peoples say they do or do not understand something but Americans do worry about understanding or not understanding something. [I don’t “get” art]

“Settled down in Bilignin I became worried about identity and remembered the Mother Goose. I am I because my little dog knows me and I was not sure but that that only proved the dog was he and not that I was I.

“And identity is funny being yourself is funny as you are never yourself to yourself except as you remember yourself and then of course you do not believe yourself. That is really the trouble with an autobiography you do not of course you do not really believe yourself why should you, you know so well so very well that it is not yourself, it could not be yourself because you cannot remember right and if you do remember right it does not sound right because it is not right. You are of course never yourself.” [It’s not a lie if you believe it]

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